What could have been…
My mom is visiting us for a few days so I’ve been spending some quality time with her. She knew that I was doing IUIs but I hadn’t told her about endo and the surgery. There was no point in worrying her since she lives a few thousand miles away and there was nothing she could do.
I wasn’t planning on telling her about the surgery but after my negative pregnancy test for the 4th IUI, I broke down. I tested in the morning and after crying a little bit in my room, went over to hers and started bawling. I had been a little short with her since she came to visit and I think she then understood why I’ve been in such a bad mood.
Monday night was my first menopur injection. After 4 failed Letrozole cycles, I wanted to do something different and Dr. S put me on a Letrozole + Menopur combo this cycle. Man, that Menopur stings!!! I first thought I was just pushing the needle into my stomach too hard or something but after last night, I realized it’s the Menopur itself that hurts when it’s going in. I can’t believe I have another injection and possibly more after an u/s tomorrow.
Anyway, Monday night after my injection, my mom told me a shocking story that’s not been able to leave my mind. I could have been not-an-only-child. By now I could have had a 10 year old sister or brother. I probably will not be here where I am. My life would have been so much different. But did I just hear her right? I could have not been an only child!
My mom found out she was pregnant at the age of 49. Yes, 49. She turns 60 this year so that’s 11 years ago.
A little bit of my family history. My dad is the eldest of 5 siblings. He has one sister, 4 brothers. My dad had just me, a girl. His younger brother (who passed away 10 years ago) has 2 girls. His younger brother has 3 girls. Get the drift???? My grandmother, who of course is the traditional old Asian grandma, had exactly 6 granddaughters and no grandsons. Wait, that’s not true. My aunt has two boys. But that doesn’t count. It’s needs to be her son’s son! Finally afters years and years, her youngest son gave her a grandson. That’s not to say my grandma doesn’t like her granddaughters. She practically raised my 3 cousins. But she’s always complained she was the only grandma in town who didn’t have a grandson.
So it was a big deal that my dad, the eldest son, only had one, a girl. My mom told me they had been trying for years, never used protection, but just didn’t conceive after me. I was born a day before their first wedding anniversary so I think she never thought it’d be hard to conceive the second one. But it never happened, until 23 years after she had her first.
Suffice to say, my sister or brother was never born. My mom had caught the flu and took some strong flu medicine without knowing she was pregnant. Given some family history (my cousin on my mom’s side has some mental issues), they didn’t want to take the chance and had to terminate the pregnancy.
So yea, I could have had a sibling. It’s a big deal for me. I was always branded the only child. I was, and am, envious of friends who are close to their siblings. I am envious of DH and SIL for being such good friends.
So where does that leave me? I don’t know what my mom’s diagnosis would have been if she went through infertility treatments but looks like it might run in the family. Dr. S did ask me about family history with infertility during our first consultation. Will it take me 23 years to conceive? Hopefully not. I don’t know what to think of the sibling that might have been. But for now, let’s think of my baby that could be.