Anxiety

There are no other ways to describe what I feel right now.  I’m just anxious.  I’m over analyzing everything that’s happening with my body.

I was very bloated the last couple days and thought maybe it’s because HCG is building up in my body and it’s OHSS developing.  Nah, I was just… constipated.

My boobs have been so sore since Thursday/Friday last week.  It was way too early to be pregnancy signs.  It’s just the estradiol supplements I’m taking this cycle.  That’s all.

I’m moody, anxious, frustrated, worried and just f#*@#&@# nervous.  It’s just because it’s 11 days post IUI and I’m trying to keep myself from peeing on a stick.

I’ve always caved around day 10-11.  Last month I caved at 9 and for the next 5 days was miserable.  That little hope can get to you that it might turn into two lines in the next couple days.  Maybe AF won’t come.  Maybe implantation was late.  Maybe, Maybe.. So I promised myself I would POAS on the day doc told me to which is Monday.  If it’s BFN, I’m supposed to stop the progesterone.

For now, my plan is to test Sunday morning.  13 DPIUI should be enough.  It’s either a yes or a no.

I don’t know what’s going to be next.  Do I go for another another IUI?  I know this has been quoted by many IFers but it’s so true.

“Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results.”

5 IUIs, 4 IUIs with Letrozole and 1 IUI with Letrozole and Menopur.  How many more times do I keep banging my head against the wall before I find my sanity?

I know definitely that 6 IUIs will be my maximum.  3 before laparoscopy and 3 after.  I know I blogged that the 5th would be the last of this year.  So maybe 6th IUI is next year?  Or onto IVF directly? Not sure.

The not knowing is killing me.  And all I have to do is pee on a stick to know.  But then I know 11 dpiui is not going to be a definite answer.  There’s a slim chance it might turn positive and I’m going to go nuts.

Work had piled up since my vacation and I can’t concentrate.  My SIL and her husband has gone to Hawaii today too (same location, same hotel) and left their dog with us.  Her dog is currently barking her head off in my house for the last 3 hours.  I want to go rescue them but if I do now, she won’t learn.  So I’m going to tuck myself away somewhere for the next few hours, finish work and head home.   Bible study today at church and somehow figure out a way tomorrow to keep myself busy not to pee on a stupid stick.

Sorry it’s such a negative post but where else can I be negative?

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