Dreading this Holiday Season

I don’t have much to update on the treatments front.  If it definitely not as eventful as the menopur injectables cycle — which is a good thing.  I’m taking Letrozole 10mg a day for 5 days and then an ultrasound on CD 9.  I usually ovulate a little early with meds so I’m going to guess next Monday will be probably be our IUI day.  And this time I can say for certain, it will be our LAST IUI.

On the IVF clinic front, a lot of you commented about the one year wait in one of the clinics.  And no, I’m not exaggerating.  When I called they said the list is closed for 2013 and 2014.  On their website, it says the wait is 9 months.  I did ask that they leave a note in my records that my doctor recommended me — I think they know each other fairly well. But either way, if they can’t get me in in the next 2-3 months, I don’t think I can wait.

I now have appointments with 3 different clinics.  Two right after I would find out if this cycle worked or not.  I’m not hopeful that this cycle will work but it’s something to do before the IVF journey begins.

To my original post subject: I am dreading this Thanksgiving break.  I have at least 2 dinners (probably more) with DH’s family this weekend.  SIL is now definitely showing since she is due in March.  They were assembling a car seat when I dropped off my dog for our Hawaii trip.  She and I used to gossip about clothing and work but now that she’s pregnant, we really don’t have much to chat about.  She probably is being sensitive about my situation – which I greatly appreciate — but it’s getting harder and harder as her belly grows bigger and bigger.

I am also a little mad — lack of a better word — at my MIL.  Maybe mad isn’t the right word, disappointed?  No, it’s not that either.  The day after SIL told us they were pregnant, DH’s parents invited us for dinner – and started lecturing us.  Well it was a well-intended advice but it didn’t sound like it to me.  She was saying how we were stressing ourselves out and how we shouldn’t try too hard.  Everything on the list of ‘things not to say to a infertile’, she said it.  She even gave us a little anecdote of her ‘we had to try for a whole year before we were pregnant with you’ story.

Since then I have been uneasy around her.  Was it too much to ask for just ‘I’m sorry we’re here for you’ or ‘I’m sorry you had to hear that right before your surgery’?  She knew we were going through issues, she knew her daughter was pregnant and every moment of our conversation is about her new grandson-to-be.

If it were the other way around, wouldn’t she have told me to be sensitive?  My mom had a completely different reaction when I told her.  She said to keep trying, that it’ll happen soon and that she won’t ask me details if it would stress me out.  She said try IVF, try whatever you can, it will happen.  She was optimistic but also realistic that a lot of couples do go through infertility.  (She has lots of friends’ kids go through it).

I can’t talk to DH about any of this.  Whatever it may be, I wouldn’t want him complaining or expressing disappointment towards my parents.  I know they will be supportive once we do have kids.  (or I hope they will be).  But for now, I need to keep my distance to protect myself.  I can’t talk to my SIL about her pregnancy.  I can’t joyfully join a conversation about daycare or how she was able to get away with traveling to her in-laws for Christmas.  I can’t agree with her when she complains about daycare costs — I’ll pay for anything, just give me a damn baby — is what I’ll be thinking in my head.

So yes, I’m dreading this week.  Normally I would have been excited.  Two days off work, the best shopping day of the year, my little poodle baby to cuddle with.  But right now, I need to practice smiling while the entire family discusses the impending boy joining the clan.