Career and Infertility Do Not Go Together
This cycle, my 6th and final IUI, is turning out to be out of the norm. Which can be good since the previous 5 IUIs didn’t work, if everything went the same as always, it could mean the results are the same.
Today is CD14 which in other cycles I would have been done with the IUI. This cycle, I’m yet to trigger. I have had a total of 4 ultrasounds this cycle and one more scheduled tomorrow morning at 7:15. All my other letrozole-only cycles have been 2 ultrasounds (one baseline, one before the IUI). Doc says they are growing, just slowly. He is worried they might now start growing very fast so he’s making me come in again just so we don’t miss the ovulation window. I’m totally okay with the proactive, cautionary measures we are taking. But my job and career is taking a big hit with this.
Ever since we started TTC, I made plans in my head. When I’ll be taking maternity leave, when we’ll have the second, where my career would be in the next 5 years. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take on that new demanding next step (if I was given the opportunity) or to be even more honest, I wouldn’t want to take that next step while I have an infant/baby. But that would be only for the next couple years and then my career will go back on track.
Now it’s almost 2 years since I’ve made this imaginary plan in my head and there’s no baby and my career’s still on hold. I know it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have slowed down just because I was expecting to expect. But this infertility journey is not helping as well. Take this cycle as an example. I had 4 ultrasounds so far. 2 of them were during a holiday/weekend but 2 were not. The appointments don’t take that long but with the drive time and wait time, I’m missing 2 hours of work for these appointments. I’m usually not focused the entire day when I have appointments. The day of an IUI, I’m basically out the entire morning.
The emotional part of this gets to me as well and it impacts work. I just don’t have the motivation to work harder. It feels like I’m failing life and work doesn’t matter.
And now that I look back, other people have done so much the last couple years and I feel like all I’ve done is accumulate infertility knowledge — something I wish I knew nothing about. Something that doesn’t help me in any way.
So all in all, I just feel like a failure these days. Failure at having a baby — something as a woman we’re expected to be able to do — and failure at a career that 5 years ago, I was so eager to succeed at.