The Big Talk
A couple weeks ago, DH and I came out of the closet — to our pastor. We’ve been meeting with him every Friday for bible study the last few months. It was always awkward when everybody shares their prayer requests because all I had in my mind was ‘baby’. I didn’t want to share it with the bible study group, mostly younger single people, who we do not know very well. But we trust our pastor. So we told him our ‘health’ issues as I’ve vaguely told people were fertility treatments. He prayed for us and asked us a few questions including whether we were considering adoption.
If it were anybody else who asked this question, I would have been very defensive. I would have asked ‘have YOU considered adoption?’ or ‘why don’t YOU adopt?’ But I knew he was genuinely asking from his heart about what our situation. DH answered not yet. I didn’t say anything.
On our car ride back, DH brought it up. I dismissed him right away. Discussing adoption at this point felt like:
1. He’s assuming our IUI or IVF will fail
2. He’s not willing to try multiple IVFs and wants to go straight to adoption
3. Since we will have the ‘adoption’ route, we won’t be supportive if I wanted to keep going on with IVF
On top of these worries, there is one fear in the deep corner of my heart.
“I don’t know if I’ll be a good mother. People say if it’s your own, your hormones will naturally kick in, and you’ll love that kid. But what if that doesn’t happen with an adopted kid? What if I’m not good enough? I won’t love him or her as much as I could?”
And DH said the most wonderful thing anyone could ever say to me:
“I KNOW you’re going to be a great mother. I didn’t even know that was even an issue. You’re going to be a wonderful mother.”
It just melted away my worries and fears. I knew he would be a great father. And he believes I will be a great mother. We, together, will be great parents.
So we decided that we will revisit adoption next year in December if we’re still not pregnant by then. I’m not sure how many IVFs we can do in a year, but we will try our best with IVF. And if that still doesn’t work, we will start discussing adoption. Adoption, although I have not done the full research, is a long process as well. One that takes years for some. One that also costs a lot of money. DH says he doesn’t want to be 40 when we have our first. I agree with him. Our clock is ticking, not just for having a biological kid, but to be parents as well. We’d want to enjoy our senior years together, not still have a kid in school by the time we’d want to retire but can’t.
So as you can tell from this post, we are moving forward with IVF. IUI #6 was a fail. BFN this morning, 11DPIUI. I had started POAS 3 days ago so I wasn’t shocked. I didn’t even shed a tear. Probably because I had less hope for this cycle and also because we had our next plan.
So there we go. I am now officially an IVF-er.