The Big Talk

A couple weeks ago, DH and I came out of the closet — to our pastor.  We’ve been meeting with him every Friday for bible study the last few months.  It was always awkward when everybody shares their prayer requests because all I had in my mind was ‘baby’.  I didn’t want to share it with the bible study group, mostly younger single people, who we do not know very well.  But we trust our pastor.  So we told him our ‘health’ issues as I’ve vaguely told people were fertility treatments.  He prayed for us and asked us a few questions including whether we were considering adoption.

If it were anybody else who asked this question, I would have been very defensive.  I would have asked ‘have YOU considered adoption?’ or ‘why don’t YOU adopt?’  But I knew he was genuinely asking from his heart about what our situation.  DH answered not yet.  I didn’t say anything.

On our car ride back, DH brought it up.  I dismissed him right away.  Discussing adoption at this point felt like:

1. He’s assuming our IUI or IVF will fail

2. He’s not willing to try multiple IVFs and wants to go straight to adoption

3. Since we will have the ‘adoption’ route, we won’t be supportive if I wanted to keep going on with IVF

On top of these worries, there is one fear in the deep corner of my heart.

“I don’t know if I’ll be a good mother.  People say if it’s your own, your hormones will naturally kick in, and you’ll love that kid.  But what if that doesn’t happen with an adopted kid?  What if I’m not good enough?  I won’t love him or her as much as I could?”

And DH said the most wonderful thing anyone could ever say to me:

“I KNOW you’re going to be a great mother.  I didn’t even know that was even an issue.  You’re going to be a wonderful mother.”

It just melted away my worries and fears.  I knew he would be a great father.  And he believes I will be a great mother.  We, together, will be great parents.

So we decided that we will revisit adoption next year in December if we’re still not pregnant by then.  I’m not sure how many IVFs we can do in a year, but we will try our best with IVF.  And if that still doesn’t work, we will start discussing adoption.  Adoption, although I have not done the full research, is a long process as well.  One that takes years for some.  One that also costs a lot of money.  DH says he doesn’t want to be 40 when we have our first.  I agree with him.  Our clock is ticking, not just for having a biological kid, but to be parents as well.  We’d want to enjoy our senior years together, not still have a kid in school by the time we’d want to retire but can’t.

So as you can tell from this post, we are moving forward with IVF.  IUI #6 was a fail.  BFN this morning, 11DPIUI.  I had started POAS 3 days ago so I wasn’t shocked.  I didn’t even shed a tear.  Probably because I had less hope for this cycle and also because we had our next plan.

So there we go.  I am now officially an IVF-er.


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11 responses to “The Big Talk”

  1. Baby Desire says :

    The fact that you’re willing to put your body through all these treatments is an indicator of how much you want to be a mom. And that in itself works out to being great parents when the time comes. The amount of blood, sweat and tears you’re going through is the result of your deep-rooted love, care and desire to nurture a little one. So, don’t stress about that, you’ll be a great mom. In the end, no parent is perfect, you do the best for your child. That’s all that matters. All the best!

  2. Rebecca says :

    Hi from ICLW. If you are thinking of considering adoption next December think about embryo adoption too. My husband and I just an embryo adoption FET cycle and are now pregnant.

  3. Ang says :

    I have to agree with Baby Desire. It’s not easy to walk this path, it’s the hardest thing ever when we all know that more often than not we are faced with more disappointment than happiness. Growing up, I used to think I’d be a terrible mother because my mom wasn’t really great mother material and some days I wonder if that’s the reason why we’re going through this but I figure anyone who’s going through this journey has felt the same way.

    Adoption isn’t as easy as people make it out to be and often there are more disappointments and pain than going through this journey. I for one, respect you for trying, for seeing this through and for realizing that adoption may be the one option that lets you be a mom.

  4. Northern Star says :

    Some advice that I was given by Miss Conception when I was at a crossroads a few years back was to follow the path of least regrets. I think pursuing your goal of conceiving through IVF is great – do what feels right for you and your husband and when the time is right, if you need to consider other options, you will be ready to do so.

    As a side note, I can tell you from personal experience that your biological clock would absolutely kick in to a child that is not biologically yours … I too was concerned about this, but as an adoptive mama, I can tell you with 100% certainty that there is nothing I can do to turn off the mama clock (even when I want to at 3:00 a.m. with a teething baby, haha). Love is love … this I have learned through my own parenting experiences.

    You will be a GREAT mother – we all worry about this (and there are days when I am better than others for sure) … but no matter what way your child comes to you, you will have so much love in your heart for that kid! 🙂

    • hopeloveandfamily says :

      Thank you so much for this comment. If it comes down to adoption, we will definitely talk to more people who have adopted to hear their stories. Not just on the process but afterwards. Your story is very comforting.. thank you so much! Hope you and your little one is doing well and Merry Christmas!

  5. Caroline says :

    Excited your journey! Believing great things for 2014!!!

  6. A. says :

    Hi from ICLW! This sounds like really wonderful dialogue between you and your husband, which is so important when going through this. Good luck with your IVF cycle! I hope the adoption discussion becomes moot 🙂

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