Highs and Lows
The call from Dr. Nice was amazing. 10 embryos is more than we could have asked for. But for some reason, the news didn’t help with my mood at all. Maybe being home all day for two straights days doing nothing but sleeping and watching TV had something to do with it. I’m perplexed.
I logged onto my computer for the first time in 2 days and immediately one of my friends IM’d me. She asked how I was, if I had any good news etc. Jen has been very understanding from the beginning. She herself decided with her husband that they wouldn’t have children. But she’s great with kids, loves them and I know she’ll be an awesome Aunt to my future child(ren). I was and am grateful for her support. Out of all my friends, she will be the first person I will share the good news with once we are pregnant. She will be the first to know the sex of the baby and she will be the first to be at the hospital to congratulate me when that kid pops out.
And then there’s two other people who know about the treatments. One is married, lives further away. I have only seen her twice since she got married/moved in 2012.
The other one is closer by. I had dinner with her the day before my birthday so she knows what I’m going through. But she hasn’t asked about it much since. I know being single and not thinking of pregnancy and kids at the moment, she’s at a different life stage. It’s not something that’s on the top of her mind. So I’ve been IM’ing her more often about how she’s doing with her new boyfriend, trying to be engaged in her life more. But every time we talk, she didn’t ask anything about me. Didn’t ask how I was doing.
Yesterday, I just had it. Over IM, I yelled at her. Told her I was pissed off. Normally, I would have just let things go. I am an introvert and I don’t express my feelings too often and it doesn’t show much. On a scale to 1-10, 10 being the angriest, even though I might be a 10 inside, I’d show maybe a 5. This time, it was a full on 10.
I felt bad afterwards. I felt embarrassed as well. Felt like I was begging for her attention. Almost felt like a girlfriend asking her boyfriend to be more attentive when the guy is thinking about breaking up with her.
We resolved it at the end, and decided to have brunch together on Saturday if my transfer gets pushed to Monday. I feel better but I’m still slightly embarrassed. A little betrayed as well. I know this is part due to hormones and anxiety. So on a day that was supposed to be full of highs, I was in the lows. I’m still trying to climb out of it but I don’t know how.