Misery and Guilt
The past week and a half have been physically drowning. I am tired – or exhausted is more like it. Headaches come and go which are annoying. Starting a few days ago, Miss Nausea has visited and haven’t left. No puking or gagging yet but just feel like a bad hangover. Combined with the headache, it feels exactly like a hangover — except I didn’t have a fun time drinking the night before.
Bloating is still an issue especially after a meal. Doesn’t help that I haven’t worked out much the last couple weeks so any muscle I had in my abdomen is MIA. Nothing holding that tummy in. Trying to drink water as much as possible but drinking too much water bring on Miss Nausea.
So yes. I feel miserable. I thought once I was pregnant, after all what I’ve went through with infertility, I’d be deliriously happy. I’d be ecstatic. I’d be this bundle of joy and no amount of morning sickness or any other symptoms related to pregnancy would bother me. After all, I did this to myself. I’ve been wanting this so bad.
But no. I feel miserable. I want to take infinite naps but I can’t since I have a full time job. Which I am grateful for. But napping during the day (most days) is not an option. I’m waking up at least twice a night to pee. And afterwards, I can’t fall back asleep easily. The snoring man next to me doesn’t help.
Okay, you can call me a bitch for moaning about this wonderful miracle that is pregnancy. I feel guilt. I feel guilty that I feel miserable. There are so many woman I know who would trade with me in a heartbeat. I am miserable that I feel miserable.
But I’m looking forward to the good. No more vaginal (hopefully) ultrasounds. Our first ultrasound is this Friday and it can’t come any sooner. I can’t wait to find out if it’s going to be one or twins. My SIL’s due date is less than 2 weeks and I am actually excited to meet the little boy. DH and I will be going to Vegas at the end of the month since I have a business trip there. We’re spending an extra night before the work trip begins. Lots of good food, shopping and maybe a spa sounds glorious right now.
So for now, I am going to keep feeling guilty about being miserable and complaining. As an infertile, you’d think we could skip all that and be joyful the entire 9 months but I guess pregnancy doesn’t discriminate or recognize how long you’ve been trying or what methods you went through to get there. It’ll just do its part and I’ll just keep feeling guilty.