Misery and Guilt

The past week and a half have been physically drowning.  I am tired – or exhausted is more like it.  Headaches come and go which are annoying.  Starting a few days ago, Miss Nausea has visited and haven’t left.  No puking or gagging yet but just feel like a bad hangover.  Combined with the headache, it feels exactly like a hangover — except I didn’t have a fun time drinking the night before.

Bloating is still an issue especially after a meal.  Doesn’t help that I haven’t worked out much the last couple weeks so any muscle I had in my abdomen is MIA.  Nothing holding that tummy in.  Trying to drink water as much as possible but drinking too much water bring on Miss Nausea.

So yes.  I feel miserable.  I thought once I was pregnant, after all what I’ve went through with infertility, I’d be deliriously happy.  I’d be ecstatic.  I’d be this bundle of joy and no amount of morning sickness or any other symptoms related to pregnancy would bother me.  After all, I did this to myself.  I’ve been wanting this so bad.  

But no.  I feel miserable.  I want to take infinite naps but I can’t since I have a full time job.  Which I am grateful for.  But napping during the day (most days) is not an option.  I’m waking up at least twice a night to pee.  And afterwards, I can’t fall back asleep easily.  The snoring man next to me doesn’t help.

Okay, you can call me a bitch for moaning about this wonderful miracle that is pregnancy.  I feel guilt.  I feel guilty that I feel miserable.  There are so many woman I know who would trade with me in a heartbeat.  I am miserable that I feel miserable.

But I’m looking forward to the good.  No more vaginal (hopefully) ultrasounds.  Our first ultrasound is this Friday and it can’t come any sooner.  I can’t wait to find out if it’s going to be one or twins.  My SIL’s due date is less than 2 weeks and I am actually excited to meet the little boy.  DH and I will be going to Vegas at the end of the month since I have a business trip there.  We’re spending an extra night before the work trip begins.  Lots of good food, shopping and maybe a spa sounds glorious right now.

So for now, I am going to keep feeling guilty about being miserable and complaining.  As an infertile, you’d think we could skip all that and be joyful the entire 9 months but I guess pregnancy doesn’t discriminate or recognize how long you’ve been trying or what methods you went through to get there.  It’ll just do its part and I’ll just keep feeling guilty.

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10 responses to “Misery and Guilt”

  1. TheKeele's says :

    I think it’s the opposite, actually. When a ‘normal fertile’ woman gets pregnant without trying and seems to be inconvenienced and miserable and complains non-stop, SHE’s a bitch to us infertiles. But when a fellow infertile, a friend, who has tried just as hard as we have, who has struggled and cried, who has fought to achieve this FINALLY gets what we all desire, feels miserable, I feel miserable with you, I don’t think of you as a bitch. In fact, I feel badly for you. To think that we spend all of this time, money, hope.. to only feel miserable, isn’t very exciting. Like you said though, pregnancy doesn’t discriminate. Pregnancy doesn’t care how long you’ve waited or tried or how much money you’ve spent. It isn’t your fault love, and I’m sorry that you’re feeling ill. These symptoms (hopefully) won’t last the entire pregnancy.

  2. Isabelle says :

    Hey girl. So sorry that you’re feeling miserable… and although I am not pregnant yet, I can see why you may feel guilty about feeling miserable. Because we all try so hard to attain this one thing… when you have it, you think that you’ll be able to enjoy every single moment of it. When you find that you can’t, you are feeling miserable for feeling miserable. But having infertility for so long definitely affects how you react to things, even a pregnancy. So, I hope that you cut yourself some slack and focus on making yourself feel better first. Hopefully the guilt will subside very soon. This is your blog so don’t worry about what you say here. You say what you want to say. I am hoping and praying that the first scan gives you the best news ever in your life. I hope that the doctors have some ways to ease your sickness. Thinking of you.

    • Allison @ hopeloveandfamily says :

      Thanks so much for your kind words. I think infertility does definitely affect all of us, even after conquering it (although it won’t be final until that baby is in the car seat) doesn’t relieve us from the pain. Thanks so much for the prayers, I’m thinking of you as well!

  3. itsonitswaytoday says :

    I hear ya! I feel like I’ve been hungover for the last three weeks now! And that was after all the horrible IVF yuckiness. It’s no fun but the reward will be worth it many times over!

  4. Stef's Journey says :

    Try not to be so hard in yourself. I know, easier said than done… You’re human though, you’re allowed to feel however the heck you feel. Good luck!

  5. T from Fruitful Furbishing says :

    Yup. All of this. I can relate to ALL OF THIS.

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