Maybe it’s the hormones. No, it has to be the hormones. But the thought of twins are overwhelming my entire core being more and more every day. Besides the day we saw the two sacs for the first time on the ultrasound, every since that day, I have been terrified. I am still terrified.
How am I going to survive another 4 weeks, a month in this condition? Nauseous all the time, headache all the time, no appetite, no desire to do anything. I feel depressed.
How am I going to carry two babies to term with my 5’3″ 110 lb body? I have lower back issues that come and go with the extra 40 pounds I’m supposedly going to gain. I have a job that although is very flexible, still very demanding. What if the babies come early? NICU? If they have problems? I’m not emotionally or physically ready to take care of a special needs child or children.
My SIL who just had ONE baby seems to be struggling with a crying child. Sleeping only an hour at a time at night, even with her husband’s help. The baby doesn’t seem to be any fussier than other kids I’ve heard of. That’s just normal first few weeks of a baby. How will we handle two? Feeding one baby she says takes up to an hour. So how am I supposed to feed two? Basically be feeding 24/7???
And this all sounds so hypocritical as I signed the papers when we agreed to transfer two embryos. Up until that day, I was adamant we will transfer only one. I knew I wasn’t ready for two. The thought scared me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle these emotions. The babies. But then I got scared. The probability of even getting pregnant is low (not even 50%) that I thought twins wasn’t going to be our issue. We hadn’t gotten pregnant for 2 years, how all of a sudden will two embryos implant and grow? Well obviously I was wrong. And I feel like the world’s biggest hypocrite for complaining and worrying for something I did to myself.
I don’t know anyone personally who had twins. I’ve heard of my mom’s friend’s daughter having twins. Actually two of them. They were both IVF. I know of a coworker (can’t even say since she works at my company but I don’t work with her) who had twins, a boy and a girl. I didn’t know her well enough to ask if it was ART.
I should be delighted. Even with all the morning sickness, isn’t pregnancy a bliss? Something I’ve been waiting for for so long. DH is delighted. He’s happy. He’s so happy that he’s putting up with my ordering him around to fetch things. Cooking me meals. Bringing breakfast to me every morning. I don’t think he understands my fears of carrying, delivering and raising twins.
I’m an only child. I don’t have a sibling. How am I supposed to raise twins when I don’t even know the dynamics between two siblings? So many questions, unanswered and every thing I read on the Internet about twins is that it’s high risk and 50% of them are born premature. 1/10 don’t survive. That’s 5 out of 100 twin babies will not survive. That is crazy. And we all know odds are stacked against me.
I want to pray. But I don’t even have the energy to do that these days. I can’t think. I’m in denial about being pregnant. I just sit here hoping when the morning sickness goes away, I’ll feel better and I’ll emotionally be better and prepare myself for the twins. For now, I’m just so miserable. I’m such a hypocrite.