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Pregnancy Depression

For most of the symptoms list here on this article related to pregnancy depression, I fit most of the profile.  I realized today that it may not be just the hormones.  And the realization that it may be because of what I went through with infertility oddly made things feel a little better.  And after speaking to a doctor today after my first OB appointment, I feel like I might be on the path to recovery.  Realization is the first step, right?

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Lift up my eyes

Tomorrow will be my 5th and possibly the final IUI of the year.  I’m hoping it’ll just be my last IUI, ever but that’s up to my ovaries, eggs, DH’s sperm and of course God.

It’ll be my last IUI (of the year) because I am scared.  This cycle was my first injectables cycle and I am hyperstimulated.  I had cramps since Friday and was at first worried they were ovulation cramps.  Which would have been way too early at CD9.  Scans on Saturday showed I have way too many follicles, not good since this isn’t an IVF egg retrieval but just the old-fashioned (ha!) IUI.

Dr. R (not my primary doctor) gave me lupron as a trigger instead of HCG which is supposed to help with prevent overstimulation (OHSS, Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome).  I looked it up on the trusted Internet and it looks like I just have some mild symptoms but combined with now what I suspect is ovulation cramps, I am in constant discomfort.  I am scared for my ovaries, I am scared for my body as it is getting pumped with hormones and chemicals that it should normally not be subjected to. (Update: 11/3 I have learned that OHSS happens after an HCG trigger which means Dr. R has given me Lupron to prevent OHSS.  But I am still very bloated, have symptoms of OHSS so not sure what all this means…)

I am also scared of needles.  Well, I have always been scared of needles.  I fainted in 6th grade after a blood draw and ever since then I have fainted at almost any needle shot.  It’s called a vasovagal response where you lose consciousness after a shot.  I fainted at the doctor’s office after a shot for food poisoning in 7th grade.  I fainted after one needle at an acupuncturist in college.  I fainted after some shots for my back pain in my early 20s.

This happened until my mid-20s and gradually went away after self realization of this symptom.  Wikipedia does say it happens for young adults.  I got over it but I still am afraid.  HCG shots once a month for the first 4 IUIs was bearable.  Menopur injections everyday for 5 days was not.  It hurts, a lot.  And I was so scared to inject myself with the Lupron I froze for a couple minutes – left hand grabbing on to my belly fat, needle in right hand and just staring at the injection site… I don’t think I can do it again next month.  I might ask to go back to just Letrozole since I produced enough follicles with it anyway.

Another reason why I might take some time off is because my primary doctor is leaving his current practice.  He says it’s because he lives far away from the office and wants somewhere closer.  His possible new office will be 30 minutes from where I live, versus the current 15 minutes.  I am also starting to lose a little faith in him.  Also a little angry he didn’t fully explain the side effects Menopur apparently has gifted me with.

I don’t know if my next move is to consider IVF or keep on with IUI.  If this cycle doesn’t work out, I will push DH to go see a urologist.  Dr. R thinks he should go, Dr. S dismissed the idea.  Another reason why Dr. S moving to another practice might actually just be good timing for a change.

But right now, I’m scared.  So as I learned from church today, I am looking up.  “I lift up my eyes to the mountain – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth”.

I am praying that the God who can make the heaven and the earth can help me start a family.  I am praying that God will give me peace through these trials.  I am praying that my trials have a purpose.  And I pray that I know what that purpose is soon.  Because right now, I am just scared.